Book Study Materials: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Book Study Materials: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Reading Schedule
July 31-August 6- pp. 1-66 and take the Self-Assessment in the back of the book
August 7-August 13- pp. 67-135
August 20-August 27- pp. 137-204
August 28-August 31- pp. 205-253
Teacher-Related Discussion Questions
pp. 1-66
The first line of the book states, “Boundaries will set you free.” What areas of your life do you feel the most free? What areas of your life do you feel confined?
Go through the list of Signs That You Need Boundaries starting on the first page of the introduction. What signs do you see the most in teaching?
How prevalent are issues with anxiety, depression and other mental health related conditions in the field of education? “Mental health issues such as anxiety can be prompted by our neurological response to stress. When we are stressed, our brain has difficulty shutting down. Our sleep is affected. Dread sets it. As a therapist, I observe poor self-care , feelings of being overwhelmed, resentment, avoidance, and other mental health issues as a common presentation of boundary issues” (5).
How do the 3 types of boundaries (starting on pg. 10) show up in the field of education? I spoke a lot about porous boundaries and feeling like you have to say yes to things you don’t want to do.
What is the teacher gossip and complain culture like in your building? What are your observations? (p. 43, p. 44)
A common opinion is that the education system HAS to change in order for teachers to have good boundaries. “For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person [or organization] has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate” (49).
Teachers are often put into a position of not being able to say no. For example, we HAVE to work a contractual number of hours when it comes to parent-teacher conferences. Another example, is that in some buildings teachers HAVE to give up their planning period to go perform other tasks like subbing. We feel like we can’t say no. “A common misconception about boundaries is that they always mean saying no. But we can set boundaries in many ways; saying no is just one of them” (50).
Review the common thought patterns that stop people from setting boundaries. Which ones really apply to teachers? (Starting on pg. 60)
pp. 67-135
Chapter 4 focuses on the six types of boundaries. Let’s discuss how each boundary applies to the profession of teaching and the field of education.
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
“Personal space and physical touch are your physical boundaries” (68). What do your physical boundaries look like in your classroom?
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
“Touching, making sexual comments, or engaging in sexual acts without expressed consent is a violation of sexual boundaries” (70). Many of the pre-service and new teachers that I have worked with in the past, talk about a violation of this type of boundary through inappropriate comments in their building. What do sexual boundaries look like in the field of education that are particularly verbal?
INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
“Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas” (71). What do intellectual boundaries look like in your classroom? How do these boundaries come into play when talking to parents and families?
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
“So, when someone belittles your emotions or invalidates your feelings, they are violating your emotional boundaries” (72). This area can involve workplace gossip and emotional dumping or venting. All of these are extremely prevalent in the field of education. How do emotional boundaries show up in the field of education?
MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
“Material boundaries have to do with your possessions” (74). What do material boundaries look like in your classroom? What are the feelings you have related to your personal classroom materials, classroom library/borrowing materials, teacher desk area, etc? Have you ever had something taken from your desk area?
TIME BOUNDARIES
“Time boundaries consist of how you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests, and how you structure your free time” (75). This one sets off alarms because of how often this boundary is violated with teachers in education. What do time boundaries look like for you while you are at work?
After learning about the different types of boundaries, which one stood out to you as one that was or is being violated? Is it a little b violation or a big B violation?
How do boundary violations contribute to the creation of your classroom culture and overall expectations? I love the idea for classroom management that you focus on norms over rules. What norms align with what boundaries to help guide your classroom culture?
Do teachers experience a type of trauma bonding due to the working conditions in the classroom?
pp. 137-204
How does trauma show up in our classrooms? Think about the role of trauma in ourselves, our students, and our communities. “Trauma in childhood includes sexual, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect” (139).
How does trauma impact our abilities to set boundaries in our roles as teachers and in our own classrooms?
Review the list of self-boundaries on pp. 151-152. What areas impact you in the classroom the most?
Your finances
Your time management
Your self-care
The treatment you allow from others
Your thoughts
Your reactions
The people you allow in your life
Choose 1-2 areas to really focus on for this chapter starting on p. 152. If you need a starting point go to self-care (p.154) and thoughts (p.156).
What would your ideal teaching life look like with boundaries? Complete an imagery exercise where you envision what that teacher would look like, sound like, act like, talk like, and feel like. How can you make one change to start showing up as that teacher?
pp. 205-253
Chapter 12 starts by talking about friendships. How would you describe your teacher friends in your building?
How do teacher/education relationships display healthy and unhealthy signals? (I immediately thought of the “we are in this together” mentality, etc)
Do you deal with any chronic complaining in your building?
How often do school cultures turn into toxic work environments?
Many times when the boundaries Nedra Tawwab proposes around work in chapter 13 are put on the table, teachers brush them off as impossibilities. Why aren’t they possible?
Book Background & Introduction from Stephanie
Grab your copy of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab! Let’s get started for the month of August!
Upon reading this book for the first time, I was immediately drawn to the strong connections between wanting a work-life balance and constantly feeling disappointed by my past attempts to try to put anything that resembles self-care into place. I have always thought that self-care was an elusive idea that people aren’t ever really able to achieve. I thought this way until the moment that I read this book. Then, I realized that self-care (or the lack thereof) was largely the boundaries that we hold within our own selves, other people, and our time. While personal boundaries are something that I often do not struggle with in my life, I do struggle with work boundaries and creating a separate space for my life outside of teaching and learning.
I have nodded my head in agreement in the past decade about the memes and social media accounts that preach about teacher self-care:
“DON’T WORK OUTSIDE OF YOUR CONTRACT HOURS.”
“YOUR LIFE OUTSIDE TEACHING IS YOUR OWN.”
“TAKE YOUR WORK EMAIL OFF OF YOUR PHONE.”
“FAMILY FIRST.”
But, have they met an English teacher? We have to review writing (in bulk) and provide feedback which is the highest form of adaptive learning. I feel like I have done it all. I have researched, tried to put into place, and practiced every single grading strategy out there. It was even one of the reasons I started blogging in 2017 so I could start to figure out a way to stay teaching when I was starting to burn out more often. I think even before I had our daughter, I knew that teaching was something I would struggle with in terms of navigating the workload of the profession because I have never had any sort of boundary. Teaching was and has been life.
Until it wasn’t anymore.
The telltale signs that boundaries are needed.
Then, becoming a mama made me realize that I simply had no finite boundaries in place. I have never been able to put a type of work schedule into practice that looks anything like the elusive work-life balance people talk about. In Tawwab’s introduction, she calls out a few of the signs you may need to put some boundaries into place:
Signs of lack of boundaries in the introduction:
Overwhelmed
Burnt out
Daydream about leaving
No time for yourself
These speak directly to the teacher that is making the same excuses I was making. They really speak to all teachers in the field of education. She stated on her Instagram account,
“The things you complain about most often are teaching you where you need healthier boundaries.”
I never complain about the kids, but I have found myself being drawn into coworker negativity, ranting about work after school, and bringing home the work day into my evening. Everything with teaching began to feel impossible when I was still in the classroom.
One of the very first signs that I knew that things weren’t quite right was the constant Sunday Scaries. I started by complaining about Sundays. A lot.
Sunday Scaries (noun): anxiety or dread about the upcoming work week that sets in on Sunday
Tawwab states,
“Mental health issues such as anxiety can be prompted by our neurological response to stress. When we are stressed, our brain has difficulty shutting down. Our sleep is affected. Dread sets in” (5).
This dread is essentially the Sunday Scaries. She goes on to say, “They [people in general] are drowning in thoughts about squeezing more into an already packed schedule. This type of busyness is endemic in our culture. Everyone is striving to do more and more. Time is an after-thought” (6). My personal Sunday Scaries were about time management.
So, what now?
I have never thought I could do anything about my lack of boundaries with teaching because I fell into many of the thought patterns that Tawwab mentions in her book (pg. 60 for those reading along):
You feel powerless. I felt like I didn’t have any choices to change my teaching outlook. I should be grateful I get 13 weeks off of the year. I just need to suck it up during those 10 months.
You get your value from helping others. I love helping kids. They need writing feedback, and they deserve quality lessons that are engaging and interesting. It takes time to create lessons that are fun, and interesting, and make kids want to be in class.
You have no clue where to start. I have 12 years of experience teaching (at the time of this initial post) and I have refined the systems that work for me. Figuring out how to do something new takes time, research, and resources that I don’t have right now while I am also trying to figure out motherhood.
You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships (teaching). Good teachers work nights and weekends, right? Sacrificing your time is just a part of the job. I often will hear, “This is what you signed up for.” But, is it? Teaching without boundaries has always been the norm of the profession.
Guilt is the sign you are doing it right.
So, after coming to the realization that change has to happen. I have succumbed to the idea that teaching will never look the same for me. I need to also come to terms with the fact that I am going to feel some guilt for the above reasons about imposing some boundaries. Some things that I know I am going to feel right away:
“MY WELCOME SCREENS AREN’T DONE…”
“I DIDN’T GRADE THOSE CHARACTER TRAIT PARAGRAPHS THIS WEEKEND…”
“WHAT IF THAT PARENT IS MAD AT ME FOR NOT RESPONDING TO THEIR EMAIL…”
“I AM GOING TO WALK INTO THIS EVALUATION MEETING UNPREPARED…”
Tawwab states:
“Remember: there is no such thing as guilt-free boundary setting” (252).
It is not about having time. It is about making time. I have always hated this phrase because I felt like it was so unrealistic. However, boundaries are just forcing yourself to prioritize the things that you actually want to do or putting in place the systems for self-care that are actually needed to feel like a healthy human being.
Teaching as a profession won’t respect your boundaries. Ever.
I write this knowing that the teaching profession as a whole won’t necessarily support my choices to declare boundaries. Our districts are always asking for more. From years 1-11 in teaching, I can’t count the number of extra jobs I have taken on in addition to being a classroom teacher.
Department head.
Team leader.
School improvement team facilitator.
Curriculum writer.
Summer school teacher.
Culturally Responsive Education Facilitator.
Professional development presenter.
Diverse libraries presenter.
And more.
Tawwab talks about the type of boundaries in her book, but what resonated with me was the idea of porous boundaries.
In reference to boundaries, Tawwad describes:
“But overwork is often more within your control than you think. It comes from having porous boundaries with your boss, your team, and your time. Limits can help you maintain a healthy work-life harmony” (23).
This idea of porous boundary setting is true for me in my experience with teaching because teaching has flooded over into every aspect of my life. The real harm here was that I didn’t have a problem saying no, I just never defaulted to “no” because it was an expectation of the job. We, as teachers, always have to give more.